Pickles!

DDO has lots of foodstuffs.. cookies, jelly cakes, candy canes, ham (and ham oil… ew), even hummus.

Broccoli is used in crafting.

On the other hand, there aren’t any food-based weapons.

What I would farm for weeks to get, however, is an utterly pitiable weapon I dreamed up last night:

Pickles

Behold, the mighty and rare PICKLE!

Pickle

Equips to:  Main hand

Minimum Level:  1

Binds to Character on Acquire

  • Base Value: 2sp
  • Weight: 0.35 lbs
  • Proficiency Class: Simple Weapons: Throwing Dagger
  • Damage and Type: (1-2)  1d2+0, Pickle, Bludgeon (Silver, Good bypass hidden)
  • Critical Roll:  (5%/2-4) 20 / x2
  • Weapon Type: Thrown weapon
  • Handedness: Thrown weapon
  • Default Modifiers
    • Damage: None
    • Attack: None
  • Durability: 3
  • Made from: Cucumber
  • Hardness: 2
  • Chance to Return:  100%

A salty, sour, and crunchy treat lifted from a jar found in one of Stormreach’s many taverns, accidentally enchanted by an inebriated wizard.  Who knows what would have happened, had you actually eaten it?

 

Visually, it would be (as one might imagine) a pickle.  Green, lumpy, approximately six to eight inches long, and make a satisfying splatt sound upon impact.

Why, one might ask, would I want to farm for such an utterly useless weapon?

Because.  IT’S A PICKLE.

Many other RPGs have such “unsalvageably nerfed” joke weapons that are incredibly difficult to acquire, yet immensely popular.  I, for one, would love nothing more than to take on Arraetrikos or Turigulon, whittle them down to almost nothing, and then have everyone stand back and pelt him to death with brined cucumbers.  That’s infinitely more humiliating than switching to unarmed combat and shin-kicking your opponent to death.

True, it would be effectively useless in traditional combat settings. But, then again, that’s also part of the point.  If a weapon can be useful, then it’s not humiliating;  think of the Mop from Chrono Trigger, or the Prod attack from Worms:  Armageddon.  Furthermore, imagine the ramifications of wiping a player out with a critical Pickle in PVP!  Oh, lo, I can hear the future egos being bruised and trash-talking already!

Player A:  I’m dead?

Player B:  Dude, he killed you with a pickle.

Player A:  But I’m two levels higher!

Player B:  Dude, he killed you with a PICKLE.  Time to reroll, brah.

Player A:  What is that, some uber-rare epic weapon that does a ton of damage?

Player B:  …..no, man.  It barely causes damage.  Like, at all.

Player A:  I have to check the combat log.  This is total baloney.

Player B:  QQ more.  You just got owned.

Indeed, this may see to the rise of a new subset of extreme gaming:  Pickle-Only Perma-Death!  A squad of elite players running around hammering kobolds and orcs to death (slowly) with nothing but pickles!  Tell me you don’t want to see this!  Even better – you know a group like the one who did The Shroud with only Clubs of the Holy Flame would assemble to perform the same feat, only with Pickles.. YES!

MAKE IT HAPPEN, TURBINE!!

Exclamation points!

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