May it be a brilliant day in Stormreach to you, dear reader! Capshaw the Crier here! I recently sat down and had an interview with an up-and-coming barbarianess, Uldwena Skyreaver, and asked her some questions about her adventuring career.
Cap: Thanks for taking the time out to answer some questions for us, Uldwena. I know time is precious to come by, in between saving Eberron and Faerun from the various factions trying to destroy our way of life on a daily basis. So tell me, how do you relax and unwind after such stressful situations?
Uldwena: (grunts and shrugs) I dunno. Just do.
Cap: Wow, fascinating. So these incredible feats you and your companions pull off, they don’t have any visible toll on your psyche? Do you have to battle with any vices?
Uldwena: (stares off into space and counts on fingers for a moment) I don’t think I’ve killed any vices before. Are those demons?
Cap: In a manner of speaking, yes, vices are demons.
Uldwena: Hunh. Nope, can’t say I’ve fought any, yet. Y’know where I can find some?
Cap: Most folks aren’t exactly looking for vices, but more for how to get rid of them.
Uldwena: (hefts axe) Killing stuff is what I do.
Cap: It.. it seems we’ve lost something in translation here. Moving on, I often hear about your adventures in dangerous territory. How do prepare for traps in dungeons?
Uldwena: (visibly dejected about vices not being “demons”) Prepare for what?
Cap: Traps. You know, spikes coming out of walls, gouts of flame shooting up from the floor, that sort of thing.
Uldwena: Oh, yeah, those.
Cap: (pauses for a moment) Erm, I’m sorry, what do you do to avoid traps in dungeons?
Uldwena: I bring my axe.
Cap: That’s an.. that’s.. that’s a novel approach to disarming traps, I suppose. Have you ever had any close moments with evil spell casters before?
Uldwena: Well, there was this one Netherese wizard, a few months back, that was somethin’. I mean, except for him tripping over his own feet every few seconds, waving his hands around and flingin’ purple stuff. It looked like he was tryin’ ta show me something pretty and purple, but kept falling over. Sad I had to lop his head off for bein’ on the wrong side. He was a cute li’l feller, too. I wouldn’t have minded a close moment with him, if’n ya get my meanin’…
Cap: Ahem.. um. That’s.. not exactly what I had in mind, but, wow. That’s quite interesting. There are tales around of how you have toppled quite a few dragons in your time – what can you tell me about battling the deadliest wyrms on Eberron?
Uldwena: Bring a good axe.
Cap: …Right. Dragons are also prone to taking flight and attacking from the air. How do you handle that?
Uldwena: Bring an axe you can throw, silly.
Cap: And for dealing with the life-threatening danger of beholders, with their anti-magic fields and myriad eye-beams of death?
Uldwena: Axe to the eyeballs.
Cap: But of course. What advice would you give to a young adventurer who is just starting out, perhaps trying to follow in your footsteps?
Uldwena: Get a good axe.
Cap: Splendid.. so, let’s recap here… (checks notes) Your answer to traps is “axe,” spell casters is “lop their head off,” presumably with an axe, preparing for dragons is “axe” and “throwing axe,” dealing with beholders is “axe,” and advice for new adventurers is “axe.” I’m sensing a trend in your responses…
Uldwena: (irritably points at axe)
Cap: …not that those are bad answers, mind you! Anyhow, er, thank you for your time, today.. I’ll just.. leave you alone with your.. large, scary weapon for a while…